A Letter to Sawyer Grant: Your Birth Day

Dear Baby Sawyer,

This is the first chance you and I have spent time alone together since you were born. Your Grammy just left after spending a week with us.  Your Grandpa and Grandma Clara also came to meet you while we were still in the hospital.  So did your Uncle Justin, Aunt Loribeth, and cousin Olivia.  Of course, Aunt Katie and Aunt Lizzie, Uncle Colin, and cousins James and Hector were also there to meet you! Your Granny Stradling will be here in a few days, and she can’t wait to wrap her arms around you.  You are very loved baby.  I hope you always know how much your family loves you, but your Dad and I love you especially.

You are in your swing, sleeping peacefully and I thought I would take a few minutes to tell you about the day you were born. Let’s start at the beginning.  You see, you didn’t come to us easily. It turns out that I have a medical problem that makes it virtually impossible for your dad and I to have kids.  If you are interested in a further explanation you can look up “hydrosalpinx.”  However, we are very blessed.  Because we live in Boston where the best doctors in the world practice medicine, and where the most progressive medical insurance legislation in the United States has been passed, we had the opportunity to take advantage of an expensive medical procedure called Invitro Fertilization or IVF, for free. 

Yes, my baby, you are what people have lovingly referred to as a test tube baby.  You spent the first 3 days of your life in a dark, warm lab room instead of in a belly, like most everyone else.  But that’s ok.  You obviously liked it, because you grew strong and doctors were able to quickly tuck you in to my belly as soon as you were ready. And voila!  You joined our family as a little embryo, named Embry (That’s what we called you before you were born.  Your dad called you Chubbers.  We also called you Baby Boy Strads or BB Strads.)

For nine months you grew and grew, and so did I.  Ask your dad to show you some pictures.  Your dad and I would talk to you a lot.  Sometimes your dad would even sing to you.  We often played games with you.  We would poke my belly and you would kick back in the same spot, over and over again.  You would also get the hiccups a lot, which was really cute, but also kind of sad because you were just a little baby.  One time, around Christmas, your dad decided to get really close to my belly and talk really loud to you.  He must have scared you, because you kicked him really hard in the face!  I knew from that moment, you and I would be best friends. 

As your due date got closer, I started to feel anxious for your arrival.  I wanted to make sure everything was perfect for you.  So I cleaned the house.  Then I cleaned it again.  Then again.  I made sure that you had a place to sleep and that you had plenty of clothes and blankets to keep you cozy.  Your Grammy and Grandma Clara even threw us a party where everyone gave you presents to help you feel more comfortable once you arrived.


When I finished getting everything ready for you, all I had left to do was wait.  With each passing day, my patience wore thin.  I just wanted to have you here so we could hang out.  Your dad always said that having your stuff around made him miss you, even though he hadn’t officially met you yet.  In an effort to better predict when you might actually come, I did some research on due dates and found out that most babies, especially first born children, are usually a week or more late!  I tried to prepare myself for another few weeks of pregnancy, but the truth is I was going crazy.  I couldn’t wait to see you.  To know what you looked like.  To cuddle you.  I couldn’t wait to hold my little baby in my arms.  In desperation, I resorted to threats.  I told you for every day that you are late, I would give you a spanking.  Of course, I wasn’t serious.  I would never spank my little baby, but maybe if you believed I would you would come out sooner.  I even practiced the spanks on your dad’s hand, just for effect.

I think it worked, because at exactly 12:03am on March 21, your due date, my water broke!  I was in bed, chatting online with a friend, when I had the feeling I was peeing my pants.  Gross, right?  But I wasn’t, you were just on your way out.

Now, I just had to wait for actual labor to start. So we waited and waited.  Nothing happened.  Dr. Hardiman, the best doctor in the world, told me that if we hadn’t gotten the ball rolling by the next morning, we would have to be induced.  Being induced was not the ideal scenario because your dad and I had prepared for a intervention free birthing day for you.  Not that interventions are bad.  It was just that if I could deliver you without drugs, I wanted to try to do it, and being on Pitocin could make it a bit more difficult.

Well, labor never started, and after 30 hours without the amniotic fluid that had surrounded you for your whole life so far, we were both risking infection.  So, your dad and I woke up early in the morning on March 22 and walked across the street to the hospital where you would be born.  We met up with Dr. Hardiman, who showed us to our birthing room.  And what a perfect room it was!  There was plenty of room for your dad and I to walk around.  There was a wall full of windows that looked over the Charles River, so we watched the sunrise on your birthday.  And then there was the deep, jetted tub, perfect for relaxing.

By 8:15am I was hooked up to an IV and had Pitocin dripping into my veins.   By noon I was feeling uncomfortable and by about 4:45 I was losing it.   It was not so much the pain of the contractions, although they were painful, it was more the incessantness of them.  Just when you think you are getting a break, another one is on top of you.  It’s a mind game.  Like Chinese water torture.  If you take a contraction one at a time, it’s not TOO bad, but when you know you have hours and hours left, it feels impossible to cope with the intensity of what’s happening.

At around 5 pm, Dr. Hardiman came to check in on me.  After evaluating your progress, she said that my body was only 30-40 percent (3-4 centimeters) dilated, and that it would likely be at least five or more hours before you were born.  WHAT?!  I was certain that I couldn’t take five more hours of this kind of labor.  I felt like a wimp, because 3-4 centimeters is when a woman should go check in to the hospital if she were to go into labor naturally.  And here I was, 3-4 centimeters, barely holding on. 

I was on the edge of giving up.  I asked the Dr. to tell me about epidurals.  What I was certain of was if I knew the end was in sight, I could keep going without drugs, but since it looked like I still had half a day’s worth a labor to make it through…I didn’t think I wanted to even try to do it.  I was desperate.  At this point I was hanging half off the bed, grabbing on to your dad, squeezing his neck, biting, and even occasionally landing stress-relieving blows on his shoulders.  (Your dad is a hero, by the way.  He was the perfect birthing partner.  Perfectly supportive, validating, empowering, and empathetic.  And then there was our nurse, Susan Rearden.  She is a specialist in hypnobirthing—the birthing method that your dad and I learned.  I love her.)  Dr. Hardiman suggested that I give it another hour and then evaluate whether or not I wanted the epidural.  I said ok.

At 5:20, I blurted out, “Get me the epidural!”  Susan ran out of the room and shortly after the anesthesiologist came in to talk to me about the procedure, the risks, and to have me sign a waiver.  I could barely hear her talking.  At this point my contractions were paired with urgings to push, and I was trying my best to resist, since I knew it wasn’t time.  Seeing these signs, Susan checked me again and announced, “Amanda you are NINE centimeters!”  In twenty minutes my body went through 70 percent of its work to get you here.  No wonder I was going crazy!  I happily cancelled the epidural, and embraced the urges to nudge a little when I had a contraction.

I felt like I had to use the bathroom.  So Jonathan and Susan helped me to restroom.  Without getting too graphic, for both of our sakes, all I will say is after sitting a few minutes in the bathroom, I reached down and felt your fuzzy little head!  Woa!  Jonathan and Susan walked with me back to the bed.  The next thing I know, Dr. Hardiman is there telling me to push and nudge every so often.  And then she said, “One more push, and he’ll be out!”  You were born at  6:06pm.

Your dad was the first person to hold you.  In fact, he caught you as you were coming out!  He lifted you up and put you on my chest.  Then he cut your umbilical cord.  And took a million pictures of you as you lay screaming in the wide world.  I was in shock!  You were laying on me, screaming.  I couldn’t really see you very well, but I remember thinking how perfectly formed you were.  You really were the most beautiful baby a mom could every hope for!  Susan covered us up with a blanket.  And we just laid there snuggling. 

It turns out that you are quite the baby.  First of all, you had the umbilical cord wrapped around your neck three times!  But did this phase you?  Nope.  You were breathing perfectly despite its squeezing you.  You were also unusually long.  At 22 and ¼ inches, you were in the 95 percentile for length and at 8 lbs. 9.6 oz. you were somewhere between the 75-90 percentile for weight.  Healthy baby! You were perfect.  However, you were born so quickly that your face became very bruised and you were still full of amniotic fluid, which made you choke a lot.

Your dad went with you to the nursery to give you a bath and a couple of shots.  And the nurse took me to our recovery room, which was a suite!  We had a fireplace, two TV’s, a Tempurpedic bed, and a couch.  How lucky right?! Your dad and I just cuddled you for a few hours before your Grammy and Aunt Katie arrived. They were really excited to see you, but I was glad that we had a few hours to spend together as a family.

Your dad loves you a lot.  He kept looking at you and getting teary.  He kept saying how handsome you are.  I kept looking at you in disbelief.  It was hard to think that you were the same baby that was in my belly for all those months.  I loved you right away though.  I’m sure you are the cutest baby ever born!

Love you forever,

Mom